An only child, with brothers

I often feel alone in my struggle with this unknown. I know this has happened to other people, that other women are out there, crying my tears, missing their babies. The great question, asked again and again, never answered — Why?

I sometimes forget the collateral damage in my own circle. My husband, who fell apart with the death of our first son, has been holding me together with emotional duct tape since we lost our second baby. We talk about it, of course. We tearfully remember the boys we never really knew, we look at the tiny ink footprints made by the nurses in the hospital, one pair so much bigger than the other, but both sets still so incredibly tiny.

And then there’s the big sister in all this — our 6-year-old daughter. She so desperately wanted to be a big sister, she was so excited about both her baby brothers. She has lived this painful year with us, quietly watching us bury our boys, quietly insisting she is still a big sister.

The impact of these losses for her is most clearly seen when I’m not really looking. I asked her where she wanted to have her birthday party — her answer? In the cemetery so her brother could be there. She asks her friends if they have brothers at the cemetery, too. We pass the place where we bought the memorial stone and she says, “Look! It’s the cemetery store!”

I felt it again today when Hubby took her to get her bangs trimmed. Always chatty, our little girl was discussing important matters with the hairstylist when the innocent question came up.
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
Oh, yes, she says. I have two brothers.
“Are they big brothers or little brothers?”

*Her father holds his breath for her answer*

“Neither. They’re dead.”

Her answer has far-reaching implications on her mother’s emotional state. Once this exome comes back - no matter what the findings - we have a decision to make. Do we try to give her the sibling she wants so much? Do we decide what we have - and what we have lost - is enough? Will I have to tell her “the baby died” a third time?

I am absolutely sick over - and guilty of - crushing her world, and I don’t want to do it again. I need the science to save me.