Yesterday was the one year anniversary of our big exome
results reveal. Today is would have been my son Drew’s first birthday. Both are
hard to reconcile in my heart because I desperately want to make sense of it
all.
But I know there is no sense in any of this. There are no
reasons and there is no closure. I miss my boys and genetics is the cause but not the reason.
I suppose my gravity in all this is my son, Clark, who
reminds me to keep breathing. Every day is another “one day at a time” for me.
It always will be.
It was a sobering realization for me that I am not the worst
off in genetic roulette. At the end of the day, I’m the least of the “unlucky
ones.” My 25 percent chance of recurrence is the home run of statistics in this
game where no one wins. My heart breaks as I read about translocations and dominant disorders and
especially the mothers who don’t have a black and white answer like I have.
My heart hurts for their hearts. And while genetics killed
the best of me, I also know that genetic since saved the rest of me. I am lucky
in the scientists and doctors and genetic counselors who saw me through this.
Not everyone has such support.
So I made a decision. My eggs are one half of a huge problem
for myself and my husband, but they are just eggs to anyone else. Perfectly
fine, perfectly usable, perfectly healthy reproductive eggs.
I decided to donate them. Who wouldn’t want the best of my
genes without the worry of the worst of them? If you’re down with red hair and
you don’t mind skinny kids, I’ve got your eggs!
The idea was to find a mother who needs donor eggs and can't afford them and simply give her mine - be a "known" yet "unknown" donor.
Alas, my eggs have expired. It’s true. To make IVF
worth it, couples want 25 year old eggs, not 35 year old eggs. My eggs are not 25 years old.
Then I heard about a woman who has leukemia caused by the trigger
of a genetic mutation. She needs a bone marrow donor and she hosted an event
through The National Marrow Donor Program. I attended this event by BeTheMatch.org
and submitted samples of my DNA for screening, inputting and, hopefully,
matching me to someone who can use my bone marrow.
To participate you have to be willing to give several cheek
swabs of DNA, continually update your contact information, and donate marrow or
blood if you are someone’s match.
My sample is in processing, which takes about two months.
Some people get a match call right away, others are years on the waiting list,
and others never get the call at all.
I hope every day that I am someone’s match. I know there is nothing
anyone could have done to save my sons, but if there WAS someone out there who
had the ability to change their fate, I would hope they would be willing to
save them.
I would give every single part of myself to save someone
from their loss at genetic roulette.
I sincerely hope I can #bethematch
